Lovely girl you’re the beauty in my world

Don’t even talk to me about mental exhaustion right now. Don’t.

I’m at the point where I can honestly see myself stabbing some poor unsuspecting pedestrian in the eye with a lipgloss wand if they so much as look at me the wrong way. Is this what all the grownups were talking about back in the 80s and 90s? Is this what being an adult means? Frequently having to engage in discussions you don’t want to have, getting up at the crack of dawn when all you really wanna do is lay in bed with a good book and a cupcake, or confronting the fragility of life on a daily basis as your grandparent lies dying in a hospital ward? All the grownups in my life warned me it wouldn’t be all rainbows and unicorns but being all of 12 years old, who was I to take them seriously? I probably thought they were talking about soap operas and not REAL LIFE.

When things are going south as quickly as Gandalf and the Balrog of Moria, I tend to spend money. Retail therapy is real, my friends. Last night alone I spent $100 at Sephora on makeup I will probably rarely use. Why? Because the price was right (apparently) and because the shit I bought had glitter in it. GLITTER. Speaking of glitter, I also ordered a book about Hitler, nazis and their dependency on drugs during WWII. Of course I did.

Not sure what kind of road I’m headed down right now but I hope it’s one filled with sexy European cars and at least ten libraries spaced evenly apart.

I’m a million different people from one day to the next

So life. Sometimes it slaps you in the face from how brutal it is and other times it caresses your hand like a sweet lover pulling you towards the bed. Within the past two weeks – well, since my last post – I’ve experienced both of these sensations. I’ve been pulled and prodded at, I’ve been swept away and taken aback, I’ve been high and I’ve been low. I’ve felt like nothing at all and everything all at once.

This is what makes life worth living – both the good and the bad. I wouldn’t have it any other way to be honest. I don’t want to become stagnant or – heaven forbid – bored. I want to feel every emotion under the sun, all day every day. I want to feel as alive as I possibly can whether that be falling on my knees begging for it all to stop and go away or hopping across the fragrant grass, as happy as a pig in shit.

The truth is sometimes I wish I could be stronger and sometimes I wish I wasn’t so naive when it comes to certain things (especially romantic relationships). This would explain why I’ve chosen to stay single for a decade – because I feel like I’m too weak or too dumb to excel with a partner. Sometimes I feel like I’ve disappointed practically everyone around me … and other times I feel like I’ve been enough. Just enough. Enough to get by, at least.

Life is never perfect. Life is fragile, it’s bittersweet and it can be full of surprises. Last night I found myself stood staring at an aisle of vaginal hygiene products at the drugstore – not because I was in the market for any, mind you – and I remember thinking to myself Today I’ve sunk to a new low … but tomorrow will be better. And less curious. And perhaps even a little winsome.

Killing me softly

Guys, when I say that the past few months have been a massive stressball of dicks, I mean it. Like I really mean it. I don’t think I’ve ever been this stressed before in my life (not even when I had a heart operation at the age of 19, and that’s saying a lot).

One of my immediate family members was diagnosed with cancer late last year and is currently on her deathbed, so there’s that. My job security is currently sitting at nil. I’m going to be moving out of my parents’ house in the fall and I have no idea how to cook my own meals. My trip to the UK has been up in the air more times than I care to admit, and I’m trying to kick a lifelong habit of chewing the inside of my cheeks and lips and it’s not going all that well. So, there’s that.

I’m turning 35 next month and I constantly find myself wondering “is this what adulting is?” The stress is killing me like a thousand pointy swords straight through the groin. All I’d really like right now is a sense of security, some freedom, some relief and to know where my next home-cooked meal is coming from.

*I just stopped myself from biting my lip – good job, Veebs*

This is me reaching out to you for help. How do you guys cope with stress? What makes you feel calm and centered in the midst of a storm? How do you avoid getting stabbed in the crotch by the gods?

Well hello there!

So, why now? Why have you come back to blogging, Vanessa?

Simple answer: I don’t know. I just felt like it. It was a nice day.

Not-so-simple-answer: I kinda missed it?

Yeah, let’s go with that one – I missed it. I used to blog quite often back in the day. I had my own little space on the Internet where I’d post book reviews, old movie stuff, and some personal stuff but then, all of a sudden, I decided I didn’t like it anymore and took a break. I deleted everything I had done online and terminated my website. You may think that was a little drastic, but if you know me well, you know that once I make my mind up about something it’s full tilt from there. No half-assed attempts at compromising or “making things right.” Nuh-uh. It’s either all or nothing for me.

So now I find myself starting from scratch because one morning I woke up and realized I missed blogging. And that’s perfectly fine with me. I’ve always liked and looked forward to new beginnings! I’m not entirely sure what this new blog of mine will consist of yet, but just know that there will be some book-ish and film-ish posts to look forward to (as books and film are the two greatest loves of my life).

And now this is me begging – nay asking you – to continue on with me on this new journey of blogging and self-discovery. Stay with me, folks. I may prefer being on my own most of the time, but it’s always nice knowing that there are people out there who are holding my hand, watching my back.