Why I don’t want it all

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Photo by Maria Shanina on Unsplash

When I was in my early 20s I thought I had everything figured out. My whole life was mapped out in front of me and I knew exactly where I was going to be at exactly what time/age. According to my (very detailed and incredibly intricate) timeline, I’d be married by twenty-five, buy a house with my husband, have two kids before I turned thirty, and then I’d quit my job and begin my life as a stay-at-home Mom.

Sounds like something straight out of Leave It to Beaver, doesn’t it? Well, I can tell you right now that I didn’t get the husband, I didn’t buy a house, I certainly didn’t have a baby (let alone two), and I’m still working my 9-to-5 office job in the city.

Thing is, I’m (mostly) happy where and how I ended up. I’m not mourning the life that should have been, instead I’m living the life that is. And even if I wasn’t happy with how my life’s panned out, it’s not like I could do anything to change it. Life gives you lemons sometimes and you’ve got to learn to deal.

Here’s how I feel about certain things …

The Marriage

I haven’t had a serious relationship in over a decade. I’ve gone on a couple dates, but that’s about it. I’m happy being on my own most of the time now, whereas before, in my early 20s, I was much happier spending time with a partner. I’m not sure what happened between then and now to change my mind, but something definitely clicked and now I’m at my most happiest when I’m on my own, doing my own thing.

Marriage? No thanks. Marriage means constantly having someone in your personal space. Seeing the same face every single day and night whether you want to or not. That just isn’t for me, sorry not sorry. It may be what other people are into, but for someone who’s as big an introvert as I am, that’s a living hell. I seriously believe that had I gotten married back then, I would certainly be separated or divorced now.

The House

Technically, I accomplished this milestone! Four years ago I took the plunge and purchased a brand new condo with the incredibly generous help of my parents. Without them, I would never have had enough saved up to afford a place of my own (real estate prices in Toronto are INSANE). The apartment complex is nearly finished now, and as of this winter, I will officially be living on my own!

Am I scared? Yes and no. Deep down, I know I’ll be okay but it’s the bill-paying that’s got me worried. I’ve always been really paranoid when it comes to finances. I’m hella protective when it comes to the money I earn and I like seeing it stashed away in my savings account every time I check my online banking balance. I know that once I move into my new place, buy furniture, buy groceries, and start paying household bills, I’m going to see that money deplete. I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle that.

The Babies

Umm nope. Just no. No babies for me please! First of all, I’ve waited too long to start having babies (I’m thirty-five years old). Second, I no longer have those cuddly maternal feelings anymore and the thought of me getting pregnant and birthing babies has me running for the hills.

If I had babies, I would pretty much lose my independence. No more lesisurely time spent reading in bed for hours, no more movie binges, no more solo trips around the world, no more impromptu jaunts to the bookstore and library. All that would be gone. Yes, I’d have a child to love and nurture, but that’s not what I’m looking for anymore. This might sound absolutely awful – and it might shock some of you – but the thought of starting a family just doesn’t appeal to me at all. I refuse to apologize for this; it’s just the way I feel.

The 9 to 5 Job

Now this, I could do without. I’ve worked a traditional office job for the past (nearly) fifteen years and I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve become completely disenchanted with everything the corporate world stands for. I feel as if this corporate atmosphere is holding me back from something that could potentially set my world and heart on fire. I feel uninspired. I feel lost. I feel TIRED.

My dream is to one day become a full-time writer and work from home. In 2017, this is completely attainable, whereas a few years ago it would have been considered completely unthinkable. I won’t ever give up on this dream, but for now I honestly don’t see a way out of this whole 9-to-5 corporate world. I need a salary to live, to pay my bills, to buy new furniture, to spoil my nephews with, to buy copious amounts of books and magazines with, to buy food, to basically just support myself with and to live off of. Yes, my job leaves me feeling like I want to punch myself in the face but am I ready to forego a steady salary? Hell no. Not yet.

****

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Photo by Kelly Brito on Unsplash

I like to think of myself as a fairly simple person. I don’t ask a lot of other people, I’m happy living as a minimalist, and I’m content spending most of my time on my own. I write, I reflect, and I read. That’s pretty much what my entire life consists of. So no, I don’t want it all. I’m happy with having just enough thank-you-very-much. I don’t want to “lean in.” I don’t want a husband and a house full of kids. I want peace and quiet, piles of books everywhere (goodbye minimalism), a pot of hearty chili simmering away on my stove top, and some Christmas carols playing softly on my radio (even in summer time).

To me, “having it all” means having too much and ain’t no one got time for that!

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14 thoughts on “Why I don’t want it all

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    1. Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting! As you get older, things definitely change. Sometimes they change for the better and sometimes they change for the worse. But rest assured, you’ll be able to handle it. Life can be very unpredictable at times haha! x

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Awesome post. You’re so right about marriage and children taking up a huge amount of time. I’m glad that you’re up front with where you were and where you are now. I admire your conviction and am envious of the of reading time/money available to you. Your 35? I thought you were younger than me.

    When I read “I seriously believe that had I gotten married back then, I would certainly be separated or divorced now.” I wanted to add (or widowed because murdering your husband would also be acceptable)

    Disenchanted with everything the corporate world stands for? Yes, this. Working the job I have for the last ten years has taught me that there’s way more to life than an office. If I could only get out of the office.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I honestly believe that my sister’s homelife (with a husband and two children) is what made me realize that I ultimately didn’t want the same. She’s incredibly happy, don’t get me wrong, but I saw how much of her time was eaten up by having children and I knew almost instantly that that’s not what I wanted for myself. It scared me. She’s constantly booked on weedays AND weekends and has no real donwtime. Nuh-uh. That scares introverted me.

      Widowed! Haha yeah, probably! That genuinely made me giggle 🙂

      I hope we both break free of our offices soon … maybe by tomorrow we’ll be living the dream? Yeah?

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  2. Great post! It is really cool that you revisited your old goals and understand how you have changed. I feel like the beautiful part of life is, we can think about how we want things to be and one day change our minds and take a completely different path.

    Good luck with your new condo, and like you, I hope to also bust out of the corporate world and move on to writing (and teaching yoga) full time~
    Jess

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    1. Thanks for commenting! It seems like there are quite a few aspiring writers out there who are trapped in the 9-to-5 corporate world right now. It’s sad because think of all the great things that could be written and worked on if we could break out and leave our offices behind! Thinks what we’re missing out on … tragic.

      Best of luck to you as well! x

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Cool 👍😉 happy for you.. well sometimes life is not like what we were imagine when we’re younger.. but I do still happy somehow 😅.. anyway, I think my life is great 😊 so cheers to our life 🥂

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    1. I know, right? It’s like I’m a completely different person now, and I’m sure you feel the exact same way. People change and that’s one of the reasons why I think relationships are so fickle and bound to fail.

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      1. I hate my 20 year old self, I don’t resemble anything like that person. I became a reader, never would have expected that. As for marriage, I found someone amazing, I wouldn’t trade that for the world. I do feel like I live alone it just have someone to share it with. I’m not saying you should get married, I’m just saying don’t rule it out. Who knows. But being happy with yourself is the most important part

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I don’t even really remember who I was at twenty. It seems like SUCH a long time ago – and it was. I’m so glad you ended up finding someone you love to share your life with! Sometimes in moments of (temporary) lonliness, I imagine the same for myself. I imagine being genuinely happy with someone, living with them, and not wishing they’d just go away and leave me alone. So maybe I won’t rule marriage out entirely, but for now, it’s just not for me.

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