So life. Sometimes it slaps you in the face from how brutal it is and other times it caresses your hand like a sweet lover pulling you towards the bed. Within the past two weeks – well, since my last post – I’ve experienced both of these sensations. I’ve been pulled and prodded at, I’ve been swept away and taken aback, I’ve been high and I’ve been low. I’ve felt like nothing at all and everything all at once.
This is what makes life worth living – both the good and the bad. I wouldn’t have it any other way to be honest. I don’t want to become stagnant or – heaven forbid – bored. I want to feel every emotion under the sun, all day every day. I want to feel as alive as I possibly can whether that be falling on my knees begging for it all to stop and go away or hopping across the fragrant grass, as happy as a pig in shit.
The truth is sometimes I wish I could be stronger and sometimes I wish I wasn’t so naive when it comes to certain things (especially romantic relationships). This would explain why I’ve chosen to stay single for a decade – because I feel like I’m too weak or too dumb to excel with a partner. Sometimes I feel like I’ve disappointed practically everyone around me … and other times I feel like I’ve been enough. Just enough. Enough to get by, at least.
Life is never perfect. Life is fragile, it’s bittersweet and it can be full of surprises. Last night I found myself stood staring at an aisle of vaginal hygiene products at the drugstore – not because I was in the market for any, mind you – and I remember thinking to myself Today I’ve sunk to a new low … but tomorrow will be better. And less curious. And perhaps even a little winsome.